The Right to Parent

When can an adoptive parent just be a parent?

China has established new guidelines for people who receive travel approval after August 1. Although we hope to have Maggie's referral by then, we probably will not have our TA by then. Therefore, we will have to abide by these new guidelines which require reports at 1 month, 2 years, 3 years and 5 years in addition to the already required 6 and 12 month post adoption reports.

Although I am raising two awesome boys, I will still have to prove to the government that I am a good parent five years after we bring Maggie home.

There is a reason for post placement reports. The government needs to know that these children they entrust to families are well taken care of. I understand that but there are times when you just want to be a normal family. I had a goal for myself that I wanted to be done with home studies and post placement reports by a certain age. With these new China guidelines, I will not make that mark. Although I love our social worker and these extended updates will give me the opportunity to continue to see her over the next several years, I just want to be a mom. I don't want to have to "prove" myself to our government or China.

As adoptive parents, we have gone through yearly physicals, CPR training, home visits with social workers, fingerprinting, criminal (passed that with flying colors) and financial background checks, asked for letters from our priests, family and friends, etc., etc.

Can't we just be parents?

Celebrating Brotherhood

We met Janeene, our wonderful social worker, and Michele, who also works at our agency's office, to celebrate the finalization of Liam's adoption and Jack's official big brother status.

Janeene presents him with his Big Brother certificate.

A closer look at Jack's award, featuring one of Jack's favorite cars. Janeene also gave him a Scooby Doo book. Scooby Doo is one of Jack's favorite cartoons.

While Jack celebrated with ice cream...

Liam chewed on Jack's motorcycle. Everything has to go in his mouth.

The Brotherhood.

Janeene and Liam!

We love you, Michele and all of our supportive friends at LFCS. Thank you!

Overheard Conversation

On Saturday night before church began, I couldn't help but overhear two older ladies several rows behind me. They must have been a bit hard of hearing. In-between praying and wondering whether I should listen or block their voices out, I picked up a few words and realized that they were talking about adoption.

"(something, something about child preferences)....between light, light, light, but not dark, dark, dark. (something, something). They got lucky."

From what I gleamed from the conversation, the adoptive parents got lucky because they were able to adopt a child with light colored skin. Is a child with a darker complexion less worthy of a parent's love? Does our color have to define who we are when we all start out as a baby who needs unconditional love from his parents? My God, I wanted to scream, we're talking about a baby here, not a car or some other object incapable of love and feeling. And you're in church! Do you think God gives you extra credit for being a pasty old white lady?

I realize that if/when we adopt our daughter from China, she will not look like Mike, me, Jack or Liam. She will definitely stand out a bit. God help the person who says something racist about my daughter. I'm sure I will give them a piece of my mind. And I can guarantee you that if someone says something stupid about my daughter or any of my children in regards to their race, I will not feel the slightest tinge of sadness in removing those people from my life. I'm a momma bear and I won't tolerate it. Grrr...

In the News

A month or so ago, Mike and I were interviewed for a magazine article on adoption. We hope readers will realize how much love it takes to make an adoption plan for a child. We are honored to have two amazing boys and their incredible families in our lives. Search pages 126 - 127 for our section in the article.

The "Real" Conversation

I was talking to a second cousin of mine this weekend. He was saying how he thought Liam looked like Mike. I grinned and proudly told him that we had finalized Liam's adoption a couple of weeks ago. "He's not your real son?" he asked. I was taken aback, although I'm not sure why. This isn't the first time someone has reponded this way, but I thought my cousin knew about the adoption. I'm pretty sure his mother knows. "He is our real son," I replied. "He is officially our son."

Mike thinks I make a mountain out of a mole hill when this type of question irks me but I can't help it. The love I feel for my sons is as real as any love parents may feel towards their biological children. When my son cries, I am there to comfort him. When he is hungry, I feed him. When he wants to play, I'm his instant playmate. In any kind of situation I am going to be there for him because I AM his real mother. He just happens to have two mothers who love him very much.

Speaking about adoption

We have told Jack about his beautiful adoption story since he was a baby and we are doing the same with Liam. Jack has some understanding of what adoption means. I know more will sink in as he grows older. Last night, we were talking about birth moms. I mentioned his birth mother's name. "Can I keep her?" he asked. His words were cute and bittersweet at the same time. Of course, I told him. She will always be Jack's mother. And he can always call and visit her. That is why an open relationship in adoption is such a beautiful thing. With this kind of relationship, adoption is not an ending but rather a beginning. The family tree becomes a family forrest with its branches intertwined, embraced by the love that beams from within.

I know there are some adoption situations where an open relationship might not work. We have been blessed to be on the other end of that spectrum.

How Real Can a Parent Get?

During a conversation with someone today they referred to birth parents as the "real" parents. This happened twice during the conversation, as if a distinction needed to be made between birth and adoptive parents. Can't both of these special sets of parents be the "real" parents?

Adoption Talk

I was talking with an acquaintance today about how blessed we were to be at the hospital when Jack's birthmother recently had a baby. Mike and I felt like we were part of a precious inner circle to be included in such a wonderful moment. They truly make us feel like family.

The acquaintance who is much older than me replied that so much contact would worry her and make her insecure in the adoption, as if an open relationship would make the birthmom likely to take her child from the adoptive couple.

I wasn't surprised by her reaction. Many people have misconceptions about adoption and may fear an open relationship. We have experienced the many blessings that come with an open adoption and have never regretted it. It was the best decision for Jack and turned out to be a wonderful one for us too.

I don't claim to be an expert on adoption, but I do feel that as an adoptive parent it is part of my responsibility to educate others about what I do know about adoption. I know that an open adoption will allow my son to remain in contact and develop a relationship with his birthmom and birth family. As he grows older, this relationship will allow him to ask her questions about his birth and her decision to place him for adoption. (Although we have shared Jack's special story with him since he was born, there will come a time when it will mean a lot to hear it from his birthmom.) This relationship also allows his birthmom to see Jack and know that he is being well taken care of.

An open adoption may help dispel fears or answer questions that a birth parent may have about their child. Jack's birthmom doesn't have to wonder how he is doing or what he looks like or if he has her nose or artistic abilities because she can see him and spend time with him. Jack can know and be surrounded by the great love from both of his moms. Take your mother's love (if you had a good relationship) and multiply that by 2. Pretty wonderful, eh?

I am an advocate for open adoption but I also understand that this type of relationship doesn't work for every birth family. And I respect that. I just want people to know that open adoption doesn't have to be so scary when both the birth family and adoptive parents have faith and are willing to make the relationship work.

Home Study Ready - Again

Our social worker visited us tonight to update our home study. It went fine, although there is always a touch of nervousness when you realize that one person has the power to approve you as potential parents. However, the more visits you go through, the more at ease you become. It's like visiting an old friend. You talk about adoption and your life and then they update your information. (You also clean your house like crazy!) Everything else is pretty much done - the backbround checks, physicals, etc. We will need to retake the CPR class in a couple of months.

So, in the eyes of the state, we are approved to adopt for another year. We pray that our blessing will arrive this year.

Dream a Little Dream or Two

It is my policy to grab a nap when Jack does on the weekends and I slept like a log today. I also had some bizarre dreams. In a week or two, we will be visited by a social worker to update our home study. An approved home study is necessary to adopt. We've had a home study almost every year for the past four years.

Anyway, one of my dreams involved a home study visit from a social worker who asked bizarre questions like what was the name of Don Knott's character's supervisor in Three's Company. Puzzled as to how that subject question would pop up in a dream? So, was I. Also, Jack was acting crazy during the visit, sort of like he acted after church tonight.

I believe the other dream was a gift from God to give me hope. I dreamed of seeing a baby in a crib and it felt like he was mine.

My Saturday

Blogger was down last night so I wasn't able to post about my weekend. My weekend started early on Saturday morning. I never sleep very well when I know I have to get up early. It's like I'm afraid that my alarm won't go off. So, I woke up at 3:30 then headed to the university garage sale at 4:30. I volunteered as a cashier (loved it!) for two hours, then shopped until the items in my arms dropped. I was almost done shopping when a friend with insider information told me that organizers were going to drop everything to 1/2 off in a half hour. So, of course, I had to find even more to purchase in the time remaining. You may laugh, but I actually purchased the Twilight doll for $5. I couldn't believe that no one else purchased it. Other items included a couple of shirts, a jacket, bed sheet and pillow cases and some toys for Jack. I am very pleased with my purchases.

After that, I met Mike at the Lutheran Family Children Services for an adoption seminar. Even though we've been though a domestic adoption before, I found the seminar very interesting. We heard from birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees and a foster parent. It was incredible and emotional at times.

Then we picked up Jack and headed to church. Jack stayed with his wonderful Aunt EE while we were at the adoption seminar. He had a blast. Guess who his favorite aunt is? We think EE bribed, tricked or brainwashed Jack into saying "EE!" We asked him that question all weekend long with the same answer each time. Of course, his other aunts are still in contention!

Bottles for Babies

A local church is hosting a fundraiser for Lutheran Family Children Services. Children will take home an empty baby bottle with information about the fundraiser on one side and our adoption story on the other. We are honored to be included in this effort.

Did you know?

• $175 can provide one week of foster care for a child waiting for a “forever home” 
• $150 can pay for a month of formula for a premature infant 
• $150 can furnish a car seat for a toddler 
• $100 can purchase a baby bed for an infant 
• $10 can buy a sleeper or receiving blanket for a baby 
• $25 can provide a week’s worth of diapers

On Being Grateful

Last week, I discussed how tough this adoption process can be. It can be painful when you're presented to birth parents but not matched to them. Of course, that is a normal part of the journey, especially when there are so many families who long to adopt. According to one of our agency social workers, the average wait is two years.

The adoption journey is not all sunshine and roses and, although I consider myself an optimistic person, there will be times when this journey will bring me down. And yes, I will blog about that.

In the past, I've had acquaintances question why it's so hard to adopt, as if matches should happen overnight. I've had to educate them about the process. The birth parents choose the adoptive parents for their children and that's how it should be. It's an incredibly difficult decision based on what they think is best for their children. Can you imagine loving your child so much that you consider placing them with someone else?

Adoptive parents don't pick and choose. This is not a cabbage patch fairy land. You can't just stop by an orphanage, pick out a child and bring him or her home the same day.

During our adoption journey, I hope you will never equate my complaining with being ungrateful or not acknowledging our blessings. I thank God everyday that we were able to adopt Jack. I love him very much. And I would love to adopt another child. I cannot deny this longing in my heart. I love being a parent.

Someday God will fill us with peace and our family will be complete, but only He knows that time. I need to place my trust in Him.


"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

-Proverbs 3:5-6

The Wait

A month ago we were presented along with other families to a birth mother and birth father. Today, we found out that we were not selected.

And that is pretty hard to take. I believe that there is a situation for every birth parent and adoptive family and it just takes time sometimes to find each other. But it's devastating when you find out that you haven't been matched. It's like taking a pregnancy test, waiting with high hopes and never seeing a second line. It rips at your soul.

So, I'm a little down tonight in need of a good bath and spiritual comfort. Thank God for my faith, family and friends.

You May Feel a Pinch

We are in the process of updating our home study materials. A home study includes background criminal checks, employment verification letters, physical exams, reference letters and more. Without a home study, we cannot adopt.

I stopped by the doctor's office this morning for my physical. I felt like I was back in high school getting a physical so I could play sports. After the exam, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician had a wrap on one of her arms. I asked, "Carpal?" She said, "No, it's my wrist which really isn't a problem except sometimes when I'm drawing blood."

What!?

Forever Family

Yesterday we celebrated the second anniversary of becoming parents. Two years ago, we received transfer of custody of Jack. That was the most incredible day of my life. And it truly was a celebration. Jack's birth mom and her grandparents were there. My parents were also there for us. I had never been in a courtroom before. I was nervous and close to tears the entire time. Of course, they were tears of joy. It had taken us all several months to get to that point and all those emotions were just bursting to get out. After our court session, I called work and told my boss, "I'm a mommy!"

Mike and I witnessed a miracle when Jack was born. There were so many elements that came together for his story, our story. First, an earthly angel reached out to us. Then we met the most beautiful young woman who loved her son so much, she wanted more for him, a mom and dad to love him. Everyday, we thank God for her beautiful soul and precious gift.

The song "These are Days" by 10,000 Maniacs was my theme song that year. Thank God for miracles.

These are days

These are the days you might fill

With laughter until you break

These days you might feel

A shaft of light

Make its way across your face

And when you do

Then you'll know how it was meant to be

See the signs and know their meaning

It's true

Then you'll know how it was meant to be

Hear the signs and know they're speaking

To you, to you

Prayers, Wishes and Hopes

We stayed the night at Grandpa and Grandma's house last night so Jack and I slept in the same bed. Before we went to bed, Jack and I talked about all the things he could do with a little brother or sister. It was a pretty lengthly discussion. I suggested things like, "Ride tricycles together. Go to the park together." Jack would often say "Yeah," but sometimes added his own thoughts, like "Play outside together." But my favorite suggestion that he made was "Eat tacos together." I love my big boy!

One Line, Two Lines

I had a bittersweet dream last night. I dreamed that I was holding a jumbo pregnancy test. One line appeared. We're halfway there, I thought, even though the first line is like the free space on a BINGO card - a given. And then the second line appeared. I couldn't believe my eyes.

Over the years, I've bought my fair share of pregnancy tests. Why? Who knows. With my track record, I should know that buying one is a waste of money. But for some reason, there's always a little ounce of hope hidden deep inside me.

I stared at the second line for a while in disbelief and then the word "Matched" appeared. During the adoption process, the word "matched" indicates when a couple is chosen by the birth family. Last night, our agency e-mailed an update to all their families letting them know that a couple of their families had been matched. I'm always happy to see these updates and the families matched but it also makes me a little sad. It makes me wonder if we'll be matched. The update must have prompted my dream. I like to think it is also God's way of saying, "Have faith, daughter. Don't be discouraged."

Putting Feelings to Paper

I've been asked by Lutheran Family Children Services to write an article for their May newsletter. In the article, I will do my best to describe how it feels being a mom on Mother's Day and every day. Well, it feels awesome!

Adoption has been the most incredible journey for us, one I never imagined I would be blessed to travel. There are still times when my life seems surreal...when I put Jack to bed at night or look in my rear view mirror and see his awnry face. I remember all those years looking back and seeing nothing but an empty seat. I can recall the terrible longing that pierces a person's heart. That sounds dramatic but how else can you describe such a deep longing?

And I remember my first Mother's Day because I almost forgot it. I had been so busy preparing for Jack's baptism that I didn't realize it was Mother's Day weekend until we were in church and the priest asked all mothers to stand up and be blessed. I got to stand up that year. Another memory that is also embedded on my heart is the first time I could call Jack my son. Incredible.

I am excited and honored to be asked to write an article for the agency. I hope words won't fail me. It will be hard to describe in a few paragraphs what Jack and adoption mean to me when it means everything!

Love is not selfish

This is something I've wanted to post for a few days, but I keep waiting for the right words and I'm not sure they're coming. Last week, I was talking to someone about adoption and how hard the wait can seem. In a half-serious, half-joking way, she said, "But you already got one."

I am sad that anyone would think we're selfish because we "already got one" but would like a second child. I don't think it's selfish to share my love with another child. Would anyone ever walk up to a woman pregnant with her second or third child and say, "But you already got one."

I don't want to compete with a couple who are still waiting for the blessing of a child. I pray that everyone who enters the adoption process will be blessed with a situation that is a blessing for the birth parents and adoptive parents.

We pray for a special couple who can see how much love we can offer and would like their son or daughter to have a protective and loving big brother. We also pray that the relationship will feel as natural as the one we are blessed to have with Jack's birthmom.

1 Corinthians 13, 4 - 7, 13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.