Sunday, March 8, 2009

On Being an Infertile Myrtle

This is a bit on the long side. Sorry, no Cliff Notes.

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. Several months ago, I heard that the daughter of a good friend of our family was pregnant and was considering adoption. My mom informed her that we were interested. She was having a girl. I was overjoyed.

I started seeing little “signs” around me. Items with the daughter’s name on it, finding Jack’s hospital shirt, just little things.

I recently discovered that the young lady picked a different couple for her child and I was devastated. Not that we had ever been contacted but there’s always that faint glimmer of hope until you hear the absolute.

A couple of well-intentioned people in my family have told me to be grateful for what I have. I think we all need that gentle reminder at times, but it’s a little hard to take since I am very grateful for our son and thank God daily for him. I love Jack with all my heart and soul and I don’t take him for granted.

The “Be grateful” message also makes me feel guilty for wanting more children. I think people around me must think I’m selfish for wanting more children when we have been blessed with one. Please don’t think me selfish. I don't believe this incomplete feeling I feel deep inside is born out of selfishness. I also want the blessings of children for my friends who wait to build their families.

I have mourned for the dreams I had for this little girl. I’ve also mourned over my inability to have children. As I’ve told mom, it’s hard enough to trust God to provide me with children, much less people.

Recently, I convinced myself that if I had to bear one major illness in my life, I was grateful that mine (at least for now) is infertility, not cancer or any other disease, but it’s still emotionally devastating at times.

My husband has the ability to take life one day at a time. I have never been the patient kind. I wonder how God will provide even though I know He will in His own time. I wonder how long our wait for China will take. The wait has officially reached 3 years for the traditional China adoption program, although we won’t officially reach our 3 year LID wait until July.

Life is short and as I watch Jack change and grow so fast, I am reminded how precious our time is here. So, I try to push these negative thoughts to the background and focus on the wonderful in my life, my family, my Jack. I just had to get this off my chest tonight as sort of a cleansing. I hope you understand.


Amy said...

I'm really sorry you are going through this heartache. I love you!

Jen said...

I'm so sorry - what heartache. Believe me, I understand every word you wrote. I don't think you are greedy for one second.
And I even agree with the sentiment that even though we all need to count our blessings, there's a time when that reminder feels more like a dismissal of your grief than true words of comfort.
You have every "right" to be sad... so please feel free to grieve your losses. I know you are a sunny, bright, wonderful person and just because you are sad, doesn't mean you are ungrateful.

EE said...

It's tough when you don't feel like your family is complete. I'm sorry.
Cute pictures!